I need a flimsy pretext...

...for roasting that pig's head. Seriously, any kind of party will do. Any kind of anything will do. Call me.

And this business of being on the Internet once a week is madness. Perhaps I can blame this madness on Lent.

I'm starting to think that I'm on this offal kick for the same reason I dress in the manner that I do. Shockin' the squares. Maybe I like getting stared at and having my picture taken from a Skyline drive-through. My buddy Joe will often come over and he'll see the jar on the top of the refrigerator. He'll asked, "Lordamercy! What are those!?" He does it every week. I say, "Those? Oh, they're pickled pig's ears. Do you want one?" Then, I'll eat one (they're not very good) and he'll blanche a little and we'll do it all over again next week. Then we'll have a real dinner and I'll drink a beer and we'll gossip for a few hours.

See, I can't figure out whether those are bull testicles in my freezer of pork ones. I mean, they're not really as big as you might think. They're really not much bigger than mine, although they look more or less like you might think. They're about the size of hand grenades. I think I'm going to have a little trouble with an overative imagination while I sit down to eat these. maybe I'll eat them at your party. Or maybe you'll eat them at my party. Maybe after I give you a rufie.

So, to apologize for never posting here's some awesome photos from Belarus.

American charcuterie II: The Reckoning. Goetta Job.

I keep not writing in this goddamn blog. I'm just going to skip the offal dinner for now since it's clearly blowing my mind grapes even now.

Instead, having been to Cincinnati and gorged on diner goetta I was enthralled. I couldn't stand it. So, I made it myself. You know, Park CHili was a fantastic experience. it's in Northside and sitting in a Formica booth and gazing out that plate glass window and looking at that row of buildings. Quite majestic. Plus, they don't use any plastic at the place.

This is clearly the work of an immigrant here. It costs less than a dollar a pound to make this stuff. Fantastic, especially considering it costs four dollars a pound...when you can find it without a drive. Kroger does ell it, but they only sell the round kind and I actually like the square kind better. Perhaps it's because I'm such a square myself. Anyway, they also sell a "hot" variety which is also fantastic. My Uncle Jughead swears up and down that's the greatest hangover cure. That and Skyline. Which is also true.

Cincinnati loves to boil meat. It's weird. Their inimitable aforementioned style of chili that I can't get enough of is also done that way. Browning ruins it. I know, crazy. Well, to make this goetta I looked up two recipes. One is kind of country style and the other was pretty straight, greasy-ass diner food. The country style is just an onion, a pork shoulder and the oats. That's it. Well, that's it minus seasonings but that shit doesn't count. You should have salt and bay leaves lying around--they repel moths, you know--anyway. Unless you just read this blog for the jokes. Chop the onion finely. If it makes you cry still you can think on something really sad, like they're building a parking garage on Jefferson Street. Now, chop up the pork shoulder and throw it into the water. The recipe I used called for two quarts but my shoulder was too big anyway (four pounds almost) and I rarely measure that shit. So I threw it all in there. Cook until tender. Pull the bone out. that's what she said. Chop the meat. or grind it, it depends on how you like it. No, cook the oats (three cupsish) for an hour in the broth, stirring frequently. Listen to that awesome New Wave record you bought. Now put the meat back in and cook for another how, stirring some more. Eventually it'll get so thick that it'll start to brown on the bottom as it cooks. Now it the time to stop and pour the sludge into a loaf pan or a casserole dish and let it cool off, then chill. Cut it up and fry fry fry! Let the goetta ride the lightning!

The other way is the same, but with equal parts ground beef, ground pork,a nd two cups of oats. It still has to boil for, like, the run time of the first three Metallica records. It follows the same general course. Also, if you want, like, a "real" recipe this guy's on the right track.

Now, the "country style" isn't really all that abd for you. There's very little in it, and you'll probably have to let it ride the lightning in a pan with additional fat. Not true of the other kind, which is super greasy. And goooood. So, it depends, I think, on what you want out of life. I'll let you know when I do.

Anyway, this is an American recipe no matter what wikipedia tells you. Also, if you want some please tell me because I have ten pounds and love to share. The cost is one beer.

Also, I'll probably get back to posting fairly regularly as I have a metric fuckton of offal to cook. I even have a whole pig's head. And I am so excited about preparing that and barfing all over myself.

My new favorite blog.

Delightful!

I can't decide between the whole pizzas instead of hamburger buns or the gravy pizza. Actually, just give me one of each.

American charcuterie.

More or less, that's what this is.

I had a few odds and ends lying around and I wanted to eat a bunch of piggy stuffed with piggy wrapped with piggy. The basis of this blog, in short. So, I made one of the best things I've ever made. And, it's pretty easy. The hard part is owning a food processor.

I don't quite know what to call it but we could go with something like:

Goetta mousseline stuffed pork loin with bacon weave.

Let's start with the pork loin. Pork loins are kinda dry and kinda boring. So, we're going to spice things up a little bit. That is, I think pork loins don't have quite nearly enough fat in them. We must go about adding more to it. Go ahead and sit down, collect yourself, and have a beer. I'll wait.

Okay, I bought a hlaf loin from the rib side. I don't think it really matters which one you use. I suppose you could usea whole one, but don't buy one of those loins that's bigger than my arm. Please. Now, if it's not about a foot long trim it up and reserve the fat. Also slice off the silverskin. You don't have to be carful at all, as all the leftover bits are going striaght into the food processor. Actually, the hardest part os going to be cutting piggy open. Since you'll want to make a loose spiral inside it. It doesn't matter too much. Just fold a business letter for an envelope in reverse with the piggy flesh. Very simple.

Make a bacon weave by just like you would in craft class but with stips of bacon instead of construction paper. This is going to get wrapped around the whole thing. it works out much better than simply wrapping it in one layer of bacon and looks incredible.

Now, the fun part. The goetta mouselline. We used to make this at Le Relais. Essentially, it's just a sausage but instead of a casing you use more meat. Fry up a half pound of goetta, browning it nicely, then stick it in the feezer so as not to turn up the heat on our pig goo. Take all the scrap bits and throw them in the food processor. Turn it into meat goo by running it for a hot minute. Drop in the cooled goetta and all the fat from the pan. This looks great. Throw in the leftover bacon. Now add an egg and last, cream. You add the cream last becuase otherwise it would aerate which would be BAD NEWS!!!

Lay the pork loin, which is now a square piece of meat one foot by one foot and a couple incchs thick. Slather that delicious pig goo in there. With your hands. Now roll the fucker up and put it in a pan. Mix some maple syrup and some cider vinegar together, rub it in to the things and cook it until 160 or two hours or so.

And just in case it was still too dry (unlikely!) I made a kind of fast and loose gastrique-y gravy with the pan drippings.

I know, none of this even matters because I didn't even make a photograph of it. Oops. I should really put up a paypal button. Still, since you'd be slicing the thing you could keep it warm and it would work out great for dinner parties. I served mine with butternut squash puree (which can be made ahead of time) and brussel sprouts. It also made fantastic sandwiches cold.

Here's a photo of bacon weave:

Who wants to go to this with me?

A "Head-to-Tail Dinner" At JeanRo Bistro in Cincinnati:

Veal Sweet Bread Torchon
Sauce Gribiche, Celery Leaf Salad

Lamb Heart
Roasted Golden Beets, Apple Quince Puree, Lovage Herb Salad

Corned beef hash of Corned Beef Tongue
Pommes Lyonnais, Red Wine Poached Egg, Bordelaise

Brined and Roasted Pork Belly
Spiced Oat Meal, Henderson Compote, Rioja Reduction

Fennel Sorbet

Lamb Brain Ravioli
Sage & Parmesan Butter, Lemon Zest

Hay Scented Ham
Bacon Broth Roasted Enoki Mushrooms, Baby Carrots, Scallions, Crispy Pigs Ear

24 Hour Braised Beef Short Rib
Sautéed Bone Marrow, Wheat Berry Risotto, Parsley Salad

Smoked Honey Gelato
Spice Cake Foie Gras Cotton Candy

8 courses for $80, with wine pairings $120. For reservations, call 513.621.1465



I'm actually not kidding at all. It sounds great!

I am given to understand that blogs are meant to be updated weekly.

Well, my laptop crashed immediately after I got power back at the ol' apartmentstead. So, blog-writing has been SOL.

Also, I managed to lose a bunch of piggy in the ensuing chaos where I was wandering lonely as a cloud from place to place around the metropolitan area trying, in vain, to maintain sanity.

I got a hot tip that there was a place out in the west end that sold lots of piggy. Well, naturally this is the kind of place I like. I had never been out that way before, to Virginia and 28th Street. It's in the Parkland neighborhood. This is a neighborhood with a somewhat tumultuous history according to Wikipedia.

Anyway, I got there after getting pretty lost. Really, I only found the place because I had given up trying to find it and wanted to look at all the nice old houses and the Masonic temple. It's a surprisingly dense block, discounting the bombed-out vacant lot across from it. Anyway, the place looks like an old Winn-Dixie. I don't know why, exactly. Perhaps it was the color scheme.



Anyway, once I did walk into the place I found that it was poorly-lit and practically deserted. In the square footage of this old Winn-Dixie they had naught but two aisles of groceries spaced forty feet apart and a butcher display in the back. No big deal. I'm just here for the meat. Also, it was unheated. Likewise: no big deal. That just means they don't have to refrigerate. Well, meat they had. I bought a whole slab of pork belly. it looked great even though it turned out to be salt pork. They had whole oxtails, lots pf piggy, and a bunch of steaks and (blech) poultry. I aksed for snouts and he siad they were out of "snoots." Although, according to Lord Internet that might actually be cheeks. Either way, I'll have to go back and buy some.Well, I bought some maws, ears, the salt pork, chitlins, and the piece de resistance: a pound of brain. You might think that a fellow such as myself coming in a buying thirty dollars worth of pork might raise and eyebrow. Not so much. He just shoved it all into a garbage bag and bid me good day.

And I hate to tell you but I managed to lose it all during that confounded ice storm when my fridge went flooey for ten days. However, I did manage to save the brain! I sent myself a reminder on a nice engraved "save the brain" card. And I cooked it with eggs. Nice high heat to sear the outside makes for a bit of nice caramelization with a gooey inside. A mild liver-like flavor. It's great, although admittedly difficult to get over the fact of the matter: that brains are delicious. I know. I'm still having trouble with it. Also, with this memeish photo:



However, I have absorbed all of the pig's knowledge and will pay the cardiologist with the money earned from all these truffles I sniff out.

I have also been practicing biscuits this week. With all the fresh buttermilk and soft winter wheat and suchlike I had to. I discovered the secret ingredient. Sorry to disappoint you and I know this is super lame but it's actually practice. I made my own butter, buttermilk, and rendered some lard from that slab of pork I bought at the meat store. I even made some with skim milk and vegetable shortening. And what I found was they got a lot better as I progressed regardless of ingredients. Flour, fat, leavener, milk, and practice with a biscuit cutter. A biscuit cutter is actually better than a juice glass of cactus jar, though. That's about the closest thing to advice I have to give you. Just follow your cat's lead and make biscuits. They're worthwhile. You'll get good at itl I have faith in you. I'll bet you can even knock one out in, like, fifteen minutes. And even with terrible biscuits you can pretend they're hard tack. In fact, you don't even ahve to pretend too hard. Terrible biscuits and hardtack have a lot in common. And with if you find yourself the proud owner of a four pound slab of salt pork playing shipboard cookie is not terribly difficult.

Popcorn

Well, since I still don't have electricity my blog-posting has been poor, I realize. I've been trying biscuits on for size but having trouble because I don't have a working oven. I'll get to that but in the meantime I've got something that I already know about in order to keep youse entertained while I quietly suffer in a metropolitan area that apparently knows as much about living as I do.

What I mean is popcorn. See, popcorn suffers from a lot of the same branding issues that many things do. I can remember a time in my life when popcorn was made only one way: in the microwave. That's how most popcorn gets made. However, we should all be wary of foodstuffs invented in our lifetime. Shelf-stable fats and artifical flavors are not our friends even if they seem to think so. We don't need friends like that. We can do better.

I'm suggesting you try one time for me to make your own popcorn in a pot on the stovetop. It's actually generally a bulletproof "recipe" (not really a recipe) and works in about th same amount of time as microwaving a bag and all its assorted health risks pointed out for you in the Wikipedia page. Some recipes call for heating oil first and then dropping the corn in but in this case it doesn't actually matter much. Start hot, start cold, just start. I use half canola oil and half butter or even better half bacon fat to give it a little kick. Nothing wrong with that. Some people shake the pot after it starts popping to coat. Others don't do this. I do it when I remember to. All that's important is you don't let it get too hot so as to avoid scorching. Let it pop covered until the popping slows and dump it in your biggest bowl, drizzle with melted butter and salt it. The best part is, the pot doesn't even really get dirty. Oh, you will not care to go back. You have taken the popcorn less travelled by and that has made all the difference.

I'm also rather fond of a trick that's easy to do and totally great and impressive and for some reason I don't do it all the time. I'm totally stealing this idea from a blog I read and forgot to bookmark but it really is a good one. Anyway, try making a nice big pot of popcorn and just let it sit and cool off. Or use leftover popcorn when you're fucking sick of it. The same thing happens with pancakes, right? Maybe infusing rum with pancakes and maple is a good idea, too. In fact, I'm sure it is. At any rate, dump a liter of rum on top of the cooked popcorn. Or pancakes. Probably a good idea to add a little extra butter and let it infuse for a few days or a week. Then strain out the popcorn and add a little extra butter for flavor. After sufficient time has passed strain all the solids out and then you'll have "fat wash" it by freezing it so's the fat solidifies and collects for you to remove it. Then strain it again while it's still really cold. Add coke and it's like a trip to the movies. Or if you're using pancakes and maple syrup and butter you would add milk or orange juice or something and then it's like breakfast.

Because I know you're secretly always wanted to have drunk for breakfast.

Oh, you can put anything in liquor for a week to infuse it. It's a great party trick provided you start the party a week earlier than it begins.