Cheetos mouth-delivery techniques.

Okay, I know you all love Cheetos. Lord knows, I do. They're probably my favorite snack food even if they aren't a hundred years old. They could be a hundred years old it's just that they hadn't been invented yet because they needed the prerequisite inventions of daytime television and underpants.

Okay, that's not entirely true. I don't know what corn starch was invented and Lord knows cheese powder isn't exactly ancient. At any rate, my second favorite is pork rinds. I do a great magic trick with pork rinds. I have a photo of it which I will show you as soon as I get it from my brother. The have that on my Google Calender on the 12th of Never. That's a very busy day. It's also my commencement in case anyone wished to come.

So, how does one eat Cheetos? Well, granted you'll be on the couch. But I know that you're all aware of the orange fingers your fingers will accumulate after heavy snacking. I think of this as a kind of circuit-breaker for Cheetos consumption. Your fingers can no longer grip, you must stop snacking. Continued snacking is like conventional warfare. You can cram as many Cheetos into the meatgrinder as you want, you're still going to have their blood on your hands. And it will be unsavory. Okay, that's a mixed metaphor. Feel free to lick your fingers. Very popular 'round these parts.

Here is where my ingenuity comes in. I understand Norm Peterson has solved this problem by eating them with a "large spoon." Well, much like Norm Peterson, this is not very elegant. It is, however, far more effective than a fork. A fork only serves to break up Cheetos into pitiable little fragments, broken in mind and body. No, sir, we need a method to dispatch as many Cheetos as possible without staining our hands or minds with exactly how many are going down the hatch. We need the Cheetos-eating equivalent of thermonuclear warfare. Just pull the trigger.

Another method is the Any-Ol'-Schmuck Approach. This is opening the (family-sized) bad and pouring them directly into your mouth. This solves the problem of stained hands but not the problem of elegance. In fact, this is distinctly less elegant than the Peterson Method. Plus, there's also the fundamental problem of how to eat the leftover Cheetos out of the couch cushions.

Therefore, I submit that chopsticks be used! The Cheetos Chopsticks Finesse! Not only does it solve all problems associated with Cheetos eating it adds alliteration to the mix! It's the end of conventional warfare between fingers and Cheetos! It's VD-DAY!! KISS A SAILOR!!!! Ha ha! Now, pour yourself a plateful and go to town. You'll be surprised how quickly you'll improve skills with your chopsticks. In fact, you can tell yourself that you're actually culturing yourself by getting really good at chopsticks! You're sure to impress that sexy Chinese diplomat now! Watch out sushi-bar hostess! Beware Korean pop stars! I'm going to get drunk and use my chopsticks!!! You'd be stoopid not to!

At least, that's what I told myself.

Anyway, this guy knows the score:



Impressing Girls with Chopsticks: 1. World: 0.